These are my confessions

facing fear quote

Are you hearing Usher in your head now, too? You’re welcome.

Anyways, I’m only the prologue + 20 pages deep into The Power of Habit, but so far the book’s anecdotes about how the brain works are fascinating. The author is pretty authoritative (unintended but interesting word connection there) about how with proper understanding, we can actually take control over our “bad’ habits, cravings and compulsions and rewrite them with “good” ones.

This seems like a rather lofty claim, but I’m definitely willing to see where this goes since my good habits could use a little more help in the actually being habitual department. My bad habits on the other hand are much more frequent house-guests, and I’m starting to get a little tired of their prolonged visits. I am chronically late. I (mostly) accidentally interrupt people. I forget painfully obvious, everyday things like filling up my gas tank (despite seeing the warning light) and returning Redbox rentals. I eat tortilla chips until I literally feel sick.

And then there are all the other ones far too embarrassing for public sharing, although the frightening possibility that someone will one day see all these private, bad habits firsthand grows increasingly real with every single summer weekend, as my boyfriend and I attend yet another wedding. Something about looking at these completely unique yet equally happy couples makes the whole (future) idea of marriage just a little more tangible as a real (future) option….in the future. But it’s not all romantic self-reflection. It’s a scary thing, being known. What if it’s embarrassing? What if that person doesn’t like some things about me? Heck even writing this blog is scary because people I actually know are starting to read it, and I have more than one self-inflicted scar from my teenage Xanga days.

This fear has led to more than one completely irrational overreaction in the form of fierce independence:

Caring Boyfriend, as I sass a digital kiosk for my own technical difficulties: “You seem frustrated.”

Me: “Don’t tell me how to feel, I am a perfectly capable adult who can manage my own emotions!!”

Oh yeah, that happened. (Note to self: the quickest way to not sound like an adult is to snottily assert I am one.)

Lydia’s recent post talked about embracing the scariness of change, and I for one am inspired. I’ll be over here embracing the scariness one self-deprecating story at a time, along with some change, too, if The Power of Habit is right. One can only hope this will happen before I’m caught in a dark kitchen with the freezer open and licking ice cream off my hands, right out of the carton.

Yup, that happened, too.

Oh hellooo July.

So I originally wrote this post with the intention of posting it abouuuuttt 10 days ago. And well, now that we are 11 days into July already, this post may have a mute point. But I still like the idea of reflecting on June, so here it goes.

July1

July really crept up on me, it feels like just yesterday I was saying the exact same thing about June, so forgive my broken record whining. In the interest of slowing time down, I’m taking this first post of July to reminisce.

I visited with family. My brother got hitched in mid June and as a reward, we all got to spend 4 days in Florida. I love my extended family. Most of the fam lives on the East coast, and my mom, dad and brother and I all moved to Texas in ’97. As life got more and more expensive and busy, we visited less and less. But my brother pointed out in a speech during an engagement party in Maryland that no matter how much time has passed, whenever we come back to visit we are always welcomed with hugs and love, and it’s like we never left. It’s such a beautiful thing. Now we’re all just on the lookout for the next wedding till we can drink get together again.

Back to the wedding thing. Did I mention how beautiful it was? I was on the phone with my Grandma the other day and she pointed out what a beautiful couple my brother and his wife made. The whole night, the venue, the people and the couple we were there to celebrate all combined to make for one perfectly lovely affair.

My soul sista returned. My very best friend is a wanderlust and she’s been living in Spain since we graduated. She’s back for about a year and it’s just so wonderful. My enthusiasm for introducing my boyfriend to my best friend was borderline creepy, but they both handled the pressure with poise. Having her back in my state has been a blast. Although it will be short lived since she is sure to be off again in no time, I’m soaking up all the time I can get.

I saw Portugal, the Man and it rocked. Those guys are sickly talented. They played Atomic Man and my heart melted.

I spent a lot of June talking about working out and changing up my lifestyle a little bit. Soo I’m happy to say that I also lost 5 pounds and I’m pretty stoked about it. It’s just nice to see healthy eating habits and workout routines actually pay off.. am I right? Although I’m still working on getting my butt out of bed to throw on running shoes, there has definitely been progress!

So what’s next for July? What goals can I accomplish? I want to continue my efforts in healthy living, read more (broken record again, I know I know), strive for new professional goals, teach Westley not to pull on the leash when he sees a squirrel because they are literally EVERYWHERE, and continue to focus on living in the present. And to better focus on living in the present, I want to re-take up journaling.

Hmm why is that many of my goal’s (falling asleep journaling and reading, getting up to work out) biggest obstacle is my bed? Perhaps I need to make my bed less amazing…nahhh never mind. I’m not a miracle worker.

Making room for changes

change

We cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are. — Max DePree

Isn’t it funny how our minds unconsciously prepare us for upcoming change? I know, I was just writing about how I’m making a conscious effort to live in the moment and appreciate where I am now before I move. Even so, as I rolled into work a tad on the late side this morning I caught myself cursing traffic and thinking, “I can’t wait until I move in a month and don’t have to deal with this traffic anymore.”

Mind you, my new home will not be any closer to work than I am now. In fact, traffic could even be probably will be worse on that side of town. But it’s like the promised newness is a glittery object  (preferably from Anthropologie) dangling in front of me that I can’t help but mesmerizingly coo “oooh pretty” with arms outstretched.

Rather than look at this as a bad thing, I’ve realized it’s actually a coping mechanism of sorts. I’m soon closing the “post-grad firsts” chapter of my life, and my mind is just helping me prepare for a smooth transition to whatever is next. Instead of wanting to hold on tightly to what I have now out of comfort, nostalgia, fear or laziness, my mind is letting me acknowledge those minor details that aren’t 100% awesome to fuel anticipation of all that’s to come.

So, May marks the last month of my South Dallas home and roommates, and I plan to make the most of it by…

  • Spending as many sunny afternoons at the rooftop pool as I can, even if it’s just for the last hour of sun after work.
  • Actually using my apartment’s gym.
  • Hosting a going away party, preferably pool-side of course. 
  • Finally photographing my favorite buildings, painted walls and random art structures throughout South Dallas.
  • Riding the DART…somewhere.

southside sign